Edwardina
by Alanna 8D
Summary: Edward pisses the Master of Alchemy off and gets turned into a girl. What is he gonna do? [EdWin]
1. Edwardina?

**Name:** Redd Foxx 

**Title**: From Under the Cork Tree

**Summary:** Romance is in the Air, Alchemy is taking a strange turn, and Lyra is a Goth!R&R!

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately, I do not own Full Metal Alchemist. But that would be great wouldn't it? Yay Money!

**MMMkay, Chappie 1**

Winry had to once again fix Edward's arm. No doubt sparks flew between them.

((Eek, they better watch out! Gah…)). She looked into his big, beautiful eyes. She couldn't pull away.

No really, she couldn't because at that moment, Edward wanted a hug ((Awwww!)).

"No don't put your hand there," Winry yelled, "If you bend it the wrong way your arm will fall off, Silly Goose." Apparently, Edward's arm was so dysfunctional he couldn't even play with Winry's hair ((You people --))

Lyra couldn't stop thinking about Edward.

_"Such a cutie, I have to go after him! Rawr."_ She walked to his house. She paused at the door, although I'm not sure why. Maybe she was thinking? Maybe she came to the realization she was hungry and needed Subway. Although we are not clear on this, she knocked on the door anyway.

Edward couldn't really pull away at the moment because, well, Winry was a work-a-holic and didn't even glance at the door.

"Al! Get the door would ya?" Edward finally said.  
And out of nowhere, Al came! He was sitting quietly watching the pair play footsie, kiss, hug, and collect stickers,or that was until he had to get up and answer the door.

It seemed that the doorbell wouldn't stop sounding. It kept going on and on and on and on ((Jeez, someone is desperate)).

In fact everyone was annoyed at that point, so they all decided they were going to pinch the doorbell ringer, until Edward and Winry decided that they needed to hug and share a kiss at the exact moment Al opened the door.

Lyra instantly saw the sparks. ((If she weren't wearing sunglasses at the time, her eyes would've caught on fire.)). She was mortified. A word here that means," A woman harnessing the powers of Alchemy catching her Man 'cheating' that she would have to punish the both of them".

"EDWARD," Lyra screamed. Her eyes widened but then she turned a little...well...crazy. She inched near Edward, with her hands behind her back.

"Watchya doin?" She asked quite like a little kid. Edward looked up. He shrugged.   
"Are you doin what it looks like your doing?" She insinuated. Edward stopped.   
"You killed it, okay? You killed it." He then sat down in his couch and watched the Game. Lyra was pissed.

She quickly grabbed Harry Potter and SpongeBob and stole a wand and an Imagination Box.

POOF

"Take a look at your chest, Eddie-poo." Lyra exclaimed.  
"Cool, boobies." Edward took a swig of beer and played Halo 2 on his X-Box.


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Readers, _

_Damn that homework._

_Love,_

_Gothichalloween x33_

-Chappie Dos-

It was at this very moment that "Boobies" registered in Edward Elric's mind. "Shit, I'm a girl." He thought it was a dream, but there was no puffy, cloudy, dreamy thing bordering the screen. But, just to make sure, he looked into his pants.

"Holy Pussy, it's a shit!" He screamed in terror. He liked girls too much, and Halo2.

"Oh my God, I like girls.!" He kept yelling out loud. Alphonse just stood there, next to Winry. Lyra was off collecting stickers and comparing boobs at sleepovers to really care.

" Well, Lyra didn't stay very long." Alphonse finally said. They looked around, and found a note on the door, attached with a piece of Duct Tape ((A/N: I like Duck Tape better...)). It read:

Dear Edward Elric You need to know what it's like on the other sie of the gender blah blah blah blah.

Actually I just changed into a girl, you you couldn't be with Winry. and being the Ass-hole of this story I must make an ultimatum for you to become a boy again...like say, you come running to me, or be a girl forever! muha!

Signed, Lyra

" You would never go running to her." Winry said, with confidence ((although, she really had none, the Plot needs some protagonist shit, or something.)). When she looked over, Edward was oogling all over himself.

"Edward Elric quit looking at your boobs!" Winry yelled.

"It's Edie now!" Edward yelled back.

"Edie?"

"Yah! Like offa Desperate Houswives!" Winry's mouth fell open. How could he stand the drama of Desperate Houswives? Why did he pick Edie instead of Marcia Cross? Why did suddenly have over-reactive feelings? Why so many questions? Winry pinned Edward against the wall.

"Tell me you didn't watch Steel Magnolias."

"Uhmm"

"TELL ME YOU DIDN'T"

"Maybe"

"How much"

"I watched the whole thing, okay"

"Oh my God, he grew a vagina."

"Why do you have to be such a bitch about it?" Edwardina sniveled and ran into the bathroom. And ranted something about "feelings" and "peroids" but no one heard because of the state of shock they were in.

"We have to do something about her...she's turned into a Tyrannasaurus Bitch." Winry whined.

"If I know the real Edward, he's completely hardheaded. Bitchy in the world of girls."

"You said hardheaded..." Winry snickered.

"What?"

"Errr...nothing."

"No, what?" Alphonse said curiously.

"Seriously, its nothing...your like what, 8? I think you're too young."

"I'm 12." he huffed.

"I'mma Perv, okay."


	3. Chapter3

Chapter Numero Tres

Edie had dirt on his?...her?...it's? face...whatever. Edwardina was still too manly to be a girl. He wore striped and polka dots, which in an unrelated story, Edwardina got attacked by a bear.

The bright, unmatching colors hurt the bears eyes, so he scratched Edwardina's clothes off, along with harming her.

"_In my defense, I have more fashion sense than her, and I'm a fucking bear. I don't even wear clothes! She dressed like a clown._" The bear admitted.

Later, as Winry was watching the bear defend itself on the news, she turned to Edwardina.

"_Oh dear Lord.._." Winry said.

"_I like clowns...they make me laugh..._" Alphonse said.

" _You know what? I'm going to take you shopping and show you some fashion sense_." Edwardina ((He switched from Edie, because really, who watches that anymore?)) suddenly looked down. There were the bright red briefs.

"_Well Hi!"_ Edwardina said, aloud. Winry sighed, grabbed his? Her? It's? Arm? grr.

* * *

**Later in the store **

"_So much... ... ... ... PINK!_" he shouted as he reached the girly part of the store.

"_Bless you..._"

"_Why do I feel like I'm trapped in a web of pink cotton candy?_"

She pulled Edwardina away. She had to take him to Hot Topic, Limited Too ((How is he going to fit his fat ass into their pants, though?)), and gay places like Abercrombie and Fitch

But Then Envy showed up.

"_Edward?_" Envy stopeed by Edwardina

"_... ... ... how do you know my name?_" she raised one eyebrow like a crazy seductress.

"_Wow, you got cuter!_"

((Everyone knows a crappy fanfic has to have a Ed/Envy pairing :P ))

"_ I'm surprised your retinas haven't burned out from all of the pink in this place_."

"_Uhm, ...Say, do you want to-you know- go out?_"

"_Sorry babe, but we're just friends..._"

"_Friends who have hot, kinky butt sex!_"

"_I'm a girl, now."_

"_Ew._"

Envy looked around. He was thinking thoughts such as When the hell did that happen? and What the Hell? or possibly How the hell did that happen? But then Edie got sidetracked, and found the half off pants rack ((Hehe I said rack)).

"_Those have holes in them...Why?_"

"_Cause its cool! I have to buy these!"_

"_Thats gay, you're buying broken pants._"

Winry held her head in her hands and sighed.

"_Edwardina, I think we're done for the day._"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

Random Chapter...0.o

It had been well over a week since Edwardina was turned into a girl. He was getting irritable and uncomfortable. He sat on the couch in his pink little skirts and his shirts that sometimes read _Slut_, _Angel_,_ Attitude_, etc. He hated asking Winry for fashion advice ( which was a mystery that hormones hadn't reached that part of his brain yet...) and going out in public watching people scowl at him for being a manly girl. Alphonse could sense his irritable-ness

**(FLASHBACK)**

_Alphonse: Edward, where are the poptarts... ... ... and the ice cream?_

_Edward (who had gained 20 lbs.): Are you saying I ate them?? And its Edwardina, bitch!_

_Alphonse: No... ... ... I just wanted some-_

_Edward: Some excuse to call me fat, right?_

_Alphonse: No, I was hungry..._

_Edward: YOU WERE HUNGRY TO VERBALLY ATTACK ME LIKE THIS!! YOU ARE HUNGRY FOR MY SADNESS!!!_

_Alphonse: Wiiiiiinryyyyyy!!! -sobs-_

_Edward: Serves you right for being a chauvanistic pig!!!_

**(END FLASHBACK)**

And Winry spent a lot of time "shopping for clothes" and "joy-driving" to get away from Edwardina for a little while. A little while turned from 11o'clock at night to about 4 in the morning. She usually came home drunk and passed out for 3 days straight. Edwardina sat on the couch and it suddenly dawned on her (vicariously through "Meet some locals through our phone service hint-hint" commercials) that she had a purpose in life.

"_I now know what I must do,_" she said profoundly. By that point she had gained some weight, mostly from moping. She had been sitting there for weeks perhaps even months...no one dared confront her about it. As she got up a box of poptarts fell from her rolls.

"_I'll never eat poptarts again._" Alphonse shivered.

"_What was that?_" Edwardina yelled.

"_I like popcorn in a decorative tin,_" Alphonse grinned, hoping she would buy it.

"_Lovely. I'm going out. I have just found my calling._" she smiled. Alphonse could not express his pure ecstasy from having Edwardina leave the house.

"_Aw, do you really?_" he said sarcastically.

"_I'm sorry...I have to go and better the world._" she said

Later on Edwardina stood on a street corner in a hot pink tube top, snakeskin miniskirt, and fishnets trying to "better the world". (Think of the song Fergalicious while Edwardina stands on the street corner). A drunken Winry found Edwardina. Even while she was drunk she knew Edwardina had to full of shit. She burst out laughing,

"_Oh my God, when did Dennis Rodman come to town?_" she snorted. Edwardina turned around with her lips pursed.

"_Winry? I thought you went shopping._" she said confused and suddenly embarrassed. Winry stood there with a blank look.

"_Pfftt, what?_" she smiled with a scotch bottle in her hand.

"_Shopping._"

"_Gesundheit._"

Winry then wrapped an arm around Edwardina, and guzzled the rest of her bottle.

" _What are you doing you whore?"_ she spat.

"_How did you know my life's calling?_" she smiled hoping Winry would be proud.

"_Don't beat yourself up...I love you, man,_" she draped another arm over Edwardina putting most of her weight on Edwardina. Winry was barely able to walk, "_If you beat yourself up like that, then everybody will walk all over you...they'll think that they're -burp- better than you._"

"_I don't care because thats just not true. I'm better than them at sex_." She reasoned. Winry pulled another bottle of scotch out.

"_Here, you deserve a drink. I love you man._" she repeated.


	5. Chapter 5

There came a knock on their cabin door. It was Lyra—she hadn't checked up on Edwardina in a few weeks, so she decided to check in on his progress. She waited, and waited, and waited….and waited. She became impatient and blew the door down with her intense, harnessed Alchemy powers. What she saw terrified her to bits.

A chubby Edwardina sat on the couch, eating bon-bons and telling stories. Alphonse sat, cross-legged on the floor giggling along with Winry.

"_And Oh MY God_," Edwardina looked up to find a pissed Lyra clenching her fists and teeth. Edwardina gulped, "_err….hi Lyra…..what's up….buttercup…_." Lyra gulped some air and blew it out.

_"Edward….you were supposed to learn something philosophical from this, not enjoy it!"_ she stomped towards Edwardina and was about to grab her neck in anger when Winry got in the way. Lyra stopped and stood as still as a statue.

_"Wha-What're you doing, you're supposed to be in tragedy because you lost a boyfriend…am I somehow missing something?"_ she hissed. Winry smirked.

"_At first. At first, he had to start all over and we had to teach him a new way of life. Sure, I might've gotten frustrated. Sure, I might've yelled a time or two, or even fought him to the death in a mud wrestling cage-match, but we learned to get along and not only has he learned a lesson, I have to."_

Lyra just stood there, unmoved and rolled her eyes. She grabbed Edwardina's neck and stared her down.

_"Listen you sorry, waste of human fat. You will feel my wrath."_

_"I call it my pudding…."_

_"You will rue the day that you ever started that romance with Winry."_

_"She loves me for who I am, even my pudding. What have you got to offer, sister?" _she said trying to be a diva.

"_Oh well, considering the circumstances…ummmmmm your __**LIFE**_!" she grinned showing all of her teeth.

"_You need a cat…or a hobby_."

"_Hmmm, or Envy_."

"_Oh Honey, nooooo. You can't be jealous of the pudding. It is what it is_." She tried to hug Lyra will all of her might, considering that she couldn't breath and that she was loosing vast amounts of brain cells due to lack of oxygen. But that didn't matter.

"_No, you fool. I can get you to do what I want. I need Envy." She let go of his neck and smiled evilly, "Edward—_"

_"coughcoughEdwardinacoughcoughhack"_

_"Edwardina, I will be back. Don't fret too much._" She caressed Edwardina's chin and walked off. Edwardina then turned into her usual cranky self.

"Uhhh where were you guys!?" Edwardina shouted with her hand on her hips.

"It sorta got interesting." Winry shrugged.

_"Oh, NEVERMIND the fact that I'm now clinically stupider than I was 3 minutes ago! Never mind that, it was good entertainment_!" she sighed and stomped over to the fridge where she got some ice cream. Winry felt bad and sorry for Edwardina, and she knew just the thing to cheer her up.

"_Hey, Eddie, what if we go see the Mariah Carey concert? Will that cheer you up_?" she smiled sweetly.

"_How the hell did you get tickets to that_?"

_" Plot hole_."

"_AHHHHHH YESSSSS!!!!! MARIAH CAREY!!!! IIIIII LOOOOOOOVE HERRRRRRR!"_ Edwardina's voice rang. She pranced through the house like a very, very feminine gazelle.

_"I think we kinda helped him too much, if we turn him back now, he might be gay._" Alphonse pointed out.

"_My God….you just might be right, Alphonse_." Winry said sorrowfully. Edwardina pranced and danced shaking her hips to an imaginary beat. Then she glomped Winry and caught her in a bear hug.

_"THAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUUUUU!"_ she rang. She then ran off and started playing her Mariah Carey CDs. A series of high-pitched octaves sang throughout the house.

_"Holy Hell, she could contact whale pods with that voice_." Alphonse stated.

"_I know, but she's really good_!!" Winry nodded her head.

"_Yeah, but she's the reason why there are beached whales_." Alphonse laughed. Winry scowled.

"_Don't be such a Negative Nancy_."

Just then, Lyra walked through the doorway where there was once a front door. This time, she brought Envy with her.

"_Where is Edwardina?" _she scathed in her usual hissing voice. Winry froze.

"_EDWARDINAAAA! YOU HAVE A VISITOR_!" she yelled, escaping Lyra's wrath. Edwardina skipped out like it was a perfect May Day until she spotted Lyra with Envy. Envy skipped like there was a May Day parade and glomped Edwardina.

"_Heyyyy Sweetie, we're gonna take care of you_." He said accentuating the "s" sound. He held Edwardina down on the ground.

"_You're strong for a gay guy,"_ Edwardina mentioned. Envy winked at him and smiled really wide. Edwardina gulped, _"and, and I thought you were gay….'cause imma girl now…_" he said in the voice similar to a five-year-old's.

_"Well, Lyra promised me that would soon change. –Tee Hee_-" he laughed.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Edwardina felt awkward being taken captive by the ever-so controlling psycho-bitch, Lyra. She brought Envy with her, who was a gay guy but constantly flirted with her—it was rather perplexing. Winry and Alphonse, of course, did absolutely nothing. They actually scalped the Mariah Carey tickets as soon as Lyra kidnapped Edwardina.

"I didn't want it to have to come down to this, Edward, but we were meant to be together." She sighed and smirked. She whipped her head around to glance at his reaction. Edwardina cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brow in confusion.

"_Yeahhhh, that's not stalkerish at all. Nope. You're normal_…." She trailed off and just stared at Lyra with a deadpan expression. Envy was trailing behind and making crude gestures at Edwardina. As they were walking, Edwardina got out her PDA and started planning away.

"What are you doing with a PDA, Edward? Planning your kidnapping events?" Lyra laughed maniacally. Edwardina scoffed at Lyra and started chewing her gum like a cow—fast and mouth constantly agape.

"Actually I have a lot of appointments to make, so take it!" she was feeling sassy today and really wasn't afraid of either Lyra or Envy. Lyra furrowed her brows and tried to wrap her brain around that one.

"Kay, so you think this is going to be just one big vacation? Just so you know, you're a hostage, and I'm a crazy love-stalker who's in crazy-love with you….so YOU take it!" She fired back.

"Yeah, I'd hate to disappoint you, but I have a pedi AND a mani, I've already picked out the exact colors—and trust me, chica, its not fricken cheap! I have to pick up my kitty, Vanilla Bear from Kitty Daycare, as he was a surprise for Winry and if I don't deliver Vanilla Bear he's going right back to Cameroon from where he was shipped in the first place and let me tell ya, ITS NOT KITTY HEAVEN! AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW I CAN COPE WITH MY HAIR LOOKING LIKE SOME MARILYN MANSON MUSIC VIDEO? YAH, DIDN'T THINK SO! ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT, MISSY, ITS BECAUSE OF YOU THAT I'M NEVER GONNA SEE MARIAH CAREY IN CONCERT!" Edwardina finished by waving her finger, in a sassy fashion, numerous times and stopped by putting her hands on her hips, taking three to five steps back and then crossing her feet. Lyra stopped and Envy pretty much ran away, and we're never gonna see him again.

"Did you take Elephant Estrogen, because last time I checked you've only been a girl for a few weeks. Attitude needs to drop. This is coming from a crazy person. And Envy…aren't you gay or something? Its okay if you're confused." Lyra stepped back and watched as Edwardina's eyebrows cocked, and stone-faced. She didn't make one move. Lyra felt like prey underneath Edwardina's vicious stare. Envy was pissed that Lyra ruined the fun, and he stomped away.

"Either change me back or forever hold your peace, BITCH!" Edwardina held up her hands in the sunlight and the silhouette was reminiscent of a gun. "BOOM!" she screamed.

"Well, **ahem** did you learn anything from this experience?" Lyra said, looking for a valid excuse to change Edwardina back to Edward immediately.

"Oooh, yeah I'll tell you what I learned… I learned that Imma beat your Wonderbread ass if you don't make a decision now." Edwardina stepped closer with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Well Okay. I've made a decision."


End file.
